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(No Such Thing As) Girls Like That

from Splash by Trish Bruxvoort Colligan

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lyrics

The woman on the TV set
is clutching both her great big breasts
and she sure looks like she is having fun.
In purple plastic pantie she is writhing,
she is dancing, and it's plain to see
she really turns her on.

But this is MTV you know
and that is how the music goes
and all the male guitarists think she's great.
They believe that girls like this
actually do exist and secretly we all love to gyrate.

Well, pardon me but I have never
done a thing I can remember
that remotely looks like this at all
except for once at Girl Scout camp
when several bees got in my pants
and one of them flew in my training bra.



Maybe these are fantasies.
Maybe you have a right to these

Baby I'll just break this gently:
There's no such thing as girls like that.



The catalogs of lingerie
come to our houses everyday
with women who have mostly nothing on.
My favorite is the one who sits
and drinks her coffee in her kitchen
wearing just a silk robe and a thong.

Well, let's be real here, let's just say
my kitchen any given day
is not exactly somewhere you seduce.
Between the cat hair and the crumbs
your nakedness might make him numb
and even worse he might begin to puke.

And if you're gonna wear a thong,
you might just find the cat hair's gone
to places you don't want cat hair to be.
And besides you know the facts:
a thong just rides right up your ass
and serves no earthly purpose I can see.



Maybe these are fantasies.
Maybe you have a right to these

Baby I'll just break this gently:
There's no such thing as girls like that.



Lastly I will say to all
the boys who make the Barbie Doll
that I think Barbie's really cute and fun
but if Barbie were a real live chick
her waist would be 12 inches thick
her bra-size would be close to 41.

So by the age of 53,
those things would be down to her knees
with osteoporosis on the way.
So, after having said all that,
I'll leave you with this simple fact:
my favorite girls are women that
are not afraid to cry and laugh
and eat some food that's high in fat,
can change your oil, fix your flat,
can say some prayers and blaze a path,
and I'll just say on their behalf:
There's no such thing as girls like that

credits

from Splash, released January 22, 2003
ords and music by Christine Kane
©2002 lee baby sims music (ascap) christinekane.com

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Trish Bruxvoort Colligan Strawberry Point, Iowa

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